


The Letter Game

by jillyfae



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 21:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jillyfae/pseuds/jillyfae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joker can never resist meddling in Shepard's business.  And why should he, after all, when Shepard so obviously needs the help?  ^_~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pictures

**Author's Note:**

> These were all written before ME3 came out, and are behind-the-scenes conversations, one each for Joker and the ME1 LI's, trying to deal with, well, the big-ole-mess of everything after Horizon, before LotSB.

_To: [\\\Illium\\\classified]  
_   
_From: [joker\\\sr-2\\\classified]  
_   
_Subject: ... the hell?_

You knew she was alive? You were ready for us? And you couldn't even give her a proper hello? She wandered back to the ship looking like a kitten who got kicked through a plate-glass window.

You didn't used to be the bitch. Knock it off.

\- Joker

* * *

_To: [joker\\\sr-2\\\classified]  
_   
_From: [\\\Illium\\\classified]  
_   
_Subject: you don't understand_

Pilot Moreau:

Please don't compromise both our security protocols by continuing with this form of communication.

There are extenuating circumstances. I just - I can't -

I'm sorry.

\- T'Soni

* * *

_To: [\\\Illium\\\classified]  
_   
_From: [joker\\\sr-2\\\classified]  
_   
_Subject: only 'cause you're not talking_

Don't tell me you're sorry! Tell her. Shepard is supposed to scare people, not inspire pity. She is more pathetic than a kitten stuck in a tree. KITTEN, Liara. It's not right.

It's no fun teasing a sad kitten. I keep wanting to make her warm milk and tuck her into bed. That's your job. Not mine. Do your damn job.

And take some pictures.

\- Joker

ps. Pulling the security card was lame. Like I can't hack rings around Lawson. And if you're not secure on your end, I'll eat my hat. And it's a good hat. I like my hat.

* * *

_To: [joker\\\sr-2\\\classified]  
_   
_From: [\\\Illium\\\classified]  
_   
_Subject: you're talking enough for both of us_

You're not going to leave this alone, are you?

I'm sorry for trying to hide behind security concerns, but I'm in a precarious position, and I don't want to make things worse for Shepard. There are things I have to do. Promises I've made. And I can't let her down again. I just ... I'm sorry.

And pictures? Pictures of what? Why would I take pictures for you?

* * *

_To: [\\\Illium\\\classified]  
_   
_From: [joker\\\sr-2\\\classified]  
_   
_Subject: A picture's worth 1000 words. If you want to catch up._

Pictures. You. Shepard. Embracing Eternity. Yeah, I know what you asari do. And it's hot. And you owe me, 'cause I'm the one stuck here taking care of your heart-broken girlfriend. Who still loves you and wants to help.

Shit, T'soni, you were supposed to be the smart one. Not really acting like it.

Use that big brain of yours, Professor.

* * *

_To: [joker\\\sr-2\\\classified]  
_   
_From: [\\\Illium\\\classified]  
_   
_Subject: I am not sending you pictures!_

Will she still love me when she finds out what I did? What I am planning to do? What she's doing now... She's too important to let me tie her down, Joker. You have to let this go. I can't give her... I can't give you what you're asking. Not now.

* * *

_To: [\\\Illium\\\classified]  
_   
_From: [joker\\\sr-2\\\classified]  
_   
_Subject: Send her pictures?_

PLEASE GOD TIE HER DOWN. She'll thank you for it later.

If you change your mind, you know where to find us. Try to get your act together sooner rather than later?


	2. Swearing

_To: [classified]_   
_From: [private account]_   
_Subject: Babe…_

You should've just shot him. Would've been kinder.

Joker

* * *

_To: [private account]_   
_From: [classified]_   
_Subject: Don't call me Babe_

What are you talking about? How do you even know? You were there? You're his pilot, aren't you? You knew. You fucking knew he wasn't dead, and you didn't tell me. You bastard. I am never forgiving either one of you. Go to hell.

Ashley

* * *

_To: [classified]_   
_From: [private account]_   
_Subject: I've got a different word starting with 'b' I could use instead…_

He's in hell already, Operations Chief Williams. Happy now? Without you, without the Alliance, with colonists dying, forced to work with the bad guys. He doesn't like the bad guys any more than you do. You don't really think that would've changed just cause of an itty-bitty-little thing like dying, now do you?

Joker

* * *

_To: [private account]_   
_From: [classified]_   
_Subject: You really want to start a swearing contest with a Marine, flyboy?_

Dying, right. He looked real fucking dead on Horizon, taking down Collector ass with his damn Cerberus crew. Why the hell am I still talking to you? Stop bothering me, Joker. This shit is hard enough without you doing whatever the fuck it is you think you're doing.

Ashley

* * *

_To: [classified]_   
_From: [private account]_   
_Subject: No imagination, Marine. As if four-letter words make you tough. No finesse._

You think you've got it hard? He died, Ash, swear to God. Your God, even, not mine, so you know I'm serious. The bad guys brought him back. (They brought my baby back too. Mostly even better than she was.)

We're fighting the Reapers. Remember them, those things the Council won't let us talk about? Cerberus is talking. Shepard's not the type to shoot the messenger, however much he hates him, not if it means keeping people alive. You know that better than anyone. Give him a damn break. He needs it. Doesn't even laugh at my jokes anymore. Give him back his sense of humor, please?

Joker

* * *

_To: [private account]_   
_From: [classified]_   
_Subject: How would you know? You're as sophisticated as an eight-year-old._

No one with a sense of humor laughs at your jokes. And I wouldn't know how to give anything back to him. I don't know how to do anything for him, Joker. Not anymore. I wouldn't…

What's there to say?

Ashley

* * *

_To: [classified]_   
_From: [private account]_   
_Subject: Even eight-year-olds have friends, babe._

Hell if I know what you should say! If I knew, I'd tell him myself. But he's teaching the damn drell poetry, and refusing to talk to anyone else about much of anything else, and Chakwas even asked me if I thought he was doing alright. Me! Shit, he's not alright. He misses you.

I do too, you could keep this crew of sociopaths in check, I think.

Joker

* * *

_To: [private account]_   
_From: [classified]_   
_Subject: Stop being so reasonable, jackass. Makes it hard to stay mad at you._   
_[message attached]_

Aw hell. Be a lousy Marine if I refused to do something just because it scared the crap out of me, right? Pass this on for me, will you? And no peeking.

Ashley

* * *

_To: [classified]_   
_From: [private account]_   
_Subject: Yes Ma'am_

Can I burn the damn Tennyson book now that he's no longer sulking? Do I strike you as the kind of guy who'd care about some long dead old white guy? No, I didn't think so. Thank you for saving me from the mad poet.

Joker

* * *

_To: [private account]_   
_From: [classified]_   
_Subject: Thank you, dumb-ass_

No book burning. Or I will shoot you. And you're welcome.

You keep those sociopaths off his back, Joker. Bring him back to me. Or I'll hunt you both down and drag you back from whatever hellhole you got yourselves killed in.

Ashley


	3. Target Practice

_To: [classified]  
Subject: What the hell is wrong with you?_

Alenko:

She comes back from the dead and you yell at her?

Dumb-ass.

Just sayin'

\-- Joker

* * *

_To: [re-routing to private account]  
Subject: None of your damn business _

Joker:

I thought you weren't talking to me after you dumped the Alliance for Cerberus.

\-- Alenko

* * *

_To: [classified]  
Subject: Since when has that stopped me?_

Alenko:

No, you were the one not talking to me for "abandoning" the hypocrites who wouldn't let me fly. Or admit that Sovereign existed. Or acknowledge anything else Shepard and Ashley died for. Stop being such a self-righteous jack-ass.

\-- Joker

* * *

_To: [re-routing to private account]  
Subject: Never, but I keep hoping you'll grow a sense of decency _

Joker:

Thresher Maws. Creepers. Husks. Rachni. Toombs. Kahoku.

You're going to get yourselves killed working for the devil. Proud of that, are you?

\-- Alenko

* * *

_To: [classified]  
Subject: What the hell good would that do me?_

Alenko:

Come on, man. That's lame, even from you. Unless you like watching colonies disappear? You're the one who's always all "mission first". Even Garrus is willing to put aside the past to back the Commander up, and he always used to have an even bigger stick up his ass than you do.

\-- Joker

* * *

_To: [re-routing to private account]  
Subject: Fewer people trying to kick your brittle ass?_

Damnit Joker, no one asked me to back her up! While you and Garrus and Shepard were flying about the galaxy playing Cerberus vigilante, I thought she was dead!

* * *

_To: [classified]  
Subject: Rather have my brittle bones than your foot-in-mouth disease_

Alenko:

That's the real problem, you big baby. You're still crying cause the girl didn't call you first. In case you forgot, you've been classified at **eyes only** ever since you started running errands for those Council shit-heads. Anderson stonewalled her, and even Timmy-boy claimed he couldn't find you. I traded in every favor I still had with an Alliance comm-tech to get your address, and only managed it now that they've grounded you at the Citadel since Horizon.

What was she supposed to do, think at you real hard? Trust me, if that worked, you would've known about it. She's still got your damn picture on her desk, even now. (Well, minus a short stint as a dart-board. She and Garrus can shoot with anything.) I have no idea what she sees in you.

\-- Joker

* * *

_To: [re-routing to private account]  
Subject: I hate it when you're right _

Joker:

Any idea how I could get her a message that Cerberus won't screen?

I owe her an apology.

\-- Alenko

P.S. What the hell's a Timmy-boy?

* * *

_To: [classified]  
Subject: I'd think you'd be used to it by now. _

Alenko:

The Illusive Man has no sense of humor. Calling him Timmy-boy helps give the prick perspective.

And if you send me an attachment, I think I can route it past her Cerberus secretary.

Don't I get an apology too? You yelled at me and hurt my little feelings.

\-- Joker

* * *

_To: [re-routing to private account]  
_   
_Subject: Sorry to your little feelings_  
Attachment: About Horizon…

Joker:

Thank you.

\-- Alenko


End file.
